don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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