She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
