Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
