I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
