She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
