I faked an abortion last night.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
