What tipped you off? The sombrero?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
