This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
