I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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