good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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