god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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