so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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