Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
