I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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