Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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