If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
