he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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