last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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