Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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