Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
