I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
