I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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