You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
