didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
