my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
