Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
