just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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