apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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