You smell like a Billy Joel song
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
