someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
