I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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