...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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