apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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