im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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