My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
