you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
