When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
