3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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