Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
