Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I think my fart just growled at me.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
