Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
