are you still at the devil's house?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
