When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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