the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
