I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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