I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
