I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
