Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
