I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
