I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
