I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
