I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
