my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
